Just Shy of a Quarter Century

I'm turning 24 in two weeks.

As the big date slowly inches forward to make me another year older I find myself reflecting on my place in life more and more. I am not the only one, it seems. The early twenties is seeming more and more like a universal time for young adults to reflect on what the hell they want to do with their degrees, their love lives, and careers. I'm wading into a pool filled with adults of varying ages, but since I cannot know what it is like to be 35 until I am, I'll stick to the early twenties section of the kiddie pool of life.

I've been working as a server for about a year and a half now. I feel serving is getting more and more constraining catering to the needs of hundreds of tourists, families, artists and pompous oafs. I've now updated my wish-board on my bedroom wall to include details of my next European Adventure, what my car is going to look and run like when I buy it, and the next two classes I plan on taking, but these are all puzzle pieces in a bigger life-driven formula. What's after these pieces? More pieces? uh oh... Someone's peed in the pool and I don't want to hang out here anymore.

When I got berated by my boss for the second time this month a few days ago I soothed my seething mind with the thought of the scathingly honest and hilarious book I will write about the restaurant I work in when I am older. I imagined the millions of people laughing over the haunting details of the restaurant, and the look on my Boss's face when he reads about himself. That made me smile and forget how upset I was. But, my book isn't written yet. I haven't gotten a big break yet that will allow me to quit the "day job" and be an actor. I have to be patient and keep building toward the big goals, the deeper end of the pool that is piss free and looks like adults are just doing easy laps back and forth.

But what does "When I am older" mean? There doesn't seem to be a starting line, a You are getting older and more adult right... NOW. Does 24 mean that? Does 17? Does 45? So, if the line changes and moves and shifts, I'll need to define it for myself I guess, one day, when I'm more "mature". And then I'll write my book. And travel Europe. And be a successful Actor. And quit my day job. And find a cure for Cancer. And bring world peace...

It's all one day at a time. And I'll be 24 soon. And life keeps moving, but my dreams can keep me afloat in the kiddie pool for now.

Yes, put that on hold please.

I "froze" my account on OKCupid today.

Yep. After 177 messages raining down on me and about a dozen dates, I decided yesterday that I would retire myself from this online dating storm. Granted, the OKCupid website was no end of entertainment if one looked at the whole thing through a comical lens. I've been told many times over now that I am a desirable human being, that my freckles are, indeed, very cute, and that I seem down to earth... but more than anything, the process has just left me feeling cold and not so eager to get into anything like online dating again.

Yesterday I had my first improv show with my class. This will be an on-going performance workshop for the next month. I'm very excited. I stayed after the show to watch some more improv, then meandered over to 46th street to get thoroughly smashed. Matt, my roomate, recently got a job behind the bar at the same place Dan (other roomie) is working at. Matt treated me really well. I had several delicious drinks and promptly loosened my tongue and chatted with the bar-folk. A guy came up to me at one point and asked if I wanted to dance. "No, thanks" I said. (I'm too tipsy to do anything worthwhile) He began chatting me up and I instantly switched on my OKCupid mode: What do you do? What brought you to New York? Oh, that's interesting that you like: _____., etc. He kinda' got the hint that I wasn't interested and moved on.

As I was working my way down the bar I struck up a conversation with a very nice Opera singer from the Czech Republic. She asked all about my life and told me about her dating woes. I listened intently. She was a very interesting character: a waitress in Prague, came to New York to sing and is now working to become an opera singer. How wonderful that someone can leave everything behind and pursue their dreams in a foreign city! She then told me all about the serendipitous events leading up to her being with her current boyfriend. She described how much the word "love" passed between the two of them, yet voiced a hesitant feeling that the relationship was not on solid grounds. "Oh, relationships..." I thought. "My god, how we can tear each other apart, yet live for the feeling of touch and encouragement above all else."

I left the bar to head home. It was pouring. And then I got a call from Hawaii.

Marichita, a friend I knew in Louisville, had moved to Maui after we all left the Actors Theatre program in April 2010. I haven't heard too much from her and we had been playing phone tag for a few days. I filled her in on my dampened mood and sad-sack thoughts about the role of being single in the big city. I could hear the sun in her voice as she said "Listen to your heart, Natarie, follow your wander-lust and find a place where you can feel the ground between your toes and root yourself in the earth" Oh, Hawaii: I needed to hear your voice, especially at 1:30am in the middle of pouring rain on a Saturday night in Times Square. I hung up the phone and ran into the subway, feeling warmth in my core despite being soaking wet.

Well, even if I can't get away right now, I can at least start back at a new square, having tried one option that didn't work so well for me. And, if Hawaii can call and wish me sunshine and smiles, then life can't be too bad. I boarded the subway and thought: Maui wishes me well, Beijing is offering me a hug and I can hear Northern Europe whispering sweet promises in my ear.

Wanderlust: I'll embrace you as a new lover for now...