A Big Fight

I was standing in the kitchen getting told to really lay into him. We were going to fight like the world was coming to an end. I felt myself get tense, like a hammer was about to come down. I reflected on any real-life scenarios in which I really had to raise my voice and yell and scream and couldn't recall any occasion when I got so mad I did.

I was asked to be the wife of a really lazy, slovenly guy in a short movie project a friend who is going to NYU was doing. It was a last minute, impromptu project but seeing as I had no plans for my Monday morning, I took the offer.

The premise is that my husband does nothing, even to the point of refusing to help me set up a nursery for our expected baby. The entire short was improvised by the two of us acting for the camera with directions given by my friend. I forgot how much fun it is to yell! The only time I've really allowed myself to let go and scream at someone has been for a piece of theatre or film. Generally, in my real life, when I get really pissed at someone I monologue: "I feel this way right now and I don't know what we can do to make this better, but I am upset. I've been upset about this for a while now and I didn't know how to really express that it was frustrating me, but I am at the point where I HAVE to say something, otherwise I'll just want to curl up into a ball and scream into a pillow!" Or, I get into a heated debate where I state my point again and again and demand that the person I am fighting with come up with a good rebuttal, otherwise I think they're an idiot (even if I love them to bits).

The kitchen scene today involved me pounding on a counter top, jabbing my finger in his face, screaming, and then finally: an egg thrown on the floor. Epic. I chuckled after we were done. Goddamn that feels good. Maybe I should turn into one of those crazy bitches that yell in fury at their bastard boyfriends... Eh, maybe not. It takes so much energy to be that mad, and I naturally internalize a lot of my anger so as to not become that out of control, which isn't a good way of dealing with those emotions either. However, cleaning up that egg made me want to gag. Anger can be so messy!