"You're easy to look at." He replied. "You're also very open."
I leaned back onto the single pillow on his tiny bed and sighed. "I feel like melted butter right now." I whispered. He chuckled, leaning in to kiss me again.
Now, a couple hours later, the morning has come and gone and I am back home. I feel worried. I keep trying to figure out what I want and what he wants and what I would do if I didn't get what I wanted. This is a fascinating situation I'm in. On the one hand, I feel like there is nothing that I need to analyze yet about anything going on between Kismet and I. And, on the other hand, I feel like there is so much I could see happening.
I don't think the english language has the proper vocabulary to describe all shades of love/relationship statuses. Like, this situation: In public we are at "friend" status (meaning, no hand holding, Public displays of affection or furtive glances) however, when alone we are "relationship" status (extremely affectionate, sweet and passionate). I don't know what to call that. I am confused. How can someone feel so good and be so good to be around and it's not a committed relationship? A casual hook-up is just that: no weight, no worry, no real passion. How can I get up in the morning after feeling so warm and weightless and go back to being the person I was the day before, after a night that made me feel like I once felt when I was dating Serendipity?
Am I a sucker for falling in love? Am I the girl who wears her heart right on her sleeve and then gets crushed when everything doesn't become "happily ever after"? The answer, I believe, is Yes.
I'm tired of explaining how a person didn't work out. I'm tired of feeling like every time I see someone it could be the last time. But, how can I control that? This is New York in 2012 and I am one of thousands of very pretty, smart, driven 20-something women who are all here to be loved and worshipped and sometimes I feel like I'm in a rat race for decent guys. So, whenever I find one, I feel like I struck a nugget of gold.
I think a New Year's resolution will be to not worry so much. Yeah, it's a tall, daunting and seemingly open ended task, but one that I want to work on. If I don't worry, if I turn off the think-blinders and relax, I feel like melted butter: light, weightless, and warm. Kismet is still Kismet, whether I worry about him being something or someone else and the time spent with him makes me feel really, really good, and that's fact.
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